Sometimes we are too busy thinking about what we do not have, while at the same time we take what we have for granted, not realizing how precious it really was to us before we lost it.
I have lived most of my life in an isolated world, sheltered by a couple of overprotective parents that wanted to spare me the negative aspects of life.
When I sometimes managed to leave the shelter, for example when I went out playing with other kids or went to school, I often could not socialize very well. I was the outcast, the different one, the black sheep. Being sheltered for so long had resulted in me thinking more about myself and what life was about. I became interested in the smallest details that others may have overseen.
Due to not being accepted by others, I became even more shut in, and started to burry myself in the world of literature, sucking new knowledge to myself again and again.
After a hard time with sickness and social problems in the familly, I started to think more about psychology and humans.
Still, I remained the silent stranger... The boring person at the party... The weak loser of the herd.
As any other person I started to think about friendship and love, and how much I really wanted both things. I tried my best to socialize and to put on a mask that would tell people that I was "just an ordinary guy", and it seemed to help. I got into friendships, I even got into a relationship. But as time went on, I found it harder to maintain the mask that I had build up, and as my personality started to show, I was once again not accepted. The girl who I thought loved me, did in fact just pity me, and only cared of the financial comfort I could give to her. Lies and betrayal. I began to become too familiar with these two words.
I once again crawled into loneliness, thinking bad of myself. Wanted to start my life over and just take on a new identity. But as I had learned - you cannot run from who you are. You can put as many layers on as you want, but in the end, the real you will shine through.
I can remember walking along a beautiful lake on a summer day. It was the lake located near my home, where there is a beautiful castle with a beautiful garden around it. I saw so many couples there, holding hands, kissing, taking pictures, having picnic.
I started to realize how lonely I had gotten. I almost wanted to shout out to them and tell them to leave, because they made me sad. But of course, that was just silly thinking. I was just so jealous at them... Being desperate, I started to search for a relationship again, but it always ended up the same. I met people who I could not really trust. People who only hurt me more and used me.
When I met Kuan, I felt something special. I am still not sure what made her so different from the other girls. But from the way she wrote, the way she talked, the look in her eyes, I could tell that she was not a person who seemed like she would lie or hurt you.
After talking with her on the phone for the first time, I immediately fell in love with that gentle and caring voice of hers. Almost like hearing an angel whisper in my air.
I was sold, and I did perhaps the most stupid thing in the world. Having only known her for a few days, I actually told her that I loved her... I seriously don't know why I did that. She might as well could have thought of me as a pervert. I guess it was just a spontaneous act from a guy who had just experienced love at first sight...
Non surprisingly, she did not accept my little love speech, but she did however chose to remain a friend to me. I was surprised that she was not ashamed of me or felt that I was weird. It only confirmed what I thought about her. That she was a forgiving and caring soul.
Today, I am actually happy that we did not become a couple right away. Because it allowed me to develop perhaps the most wonderful friendship I could ever have had.
I can't remember how many times she was there for me, even when she had her own problems. I remember there were periods of time where we lost contact, but she still remembered me and came back to me.
Sometimes, a friendship can offer just as much as a relationship... if not more. As you sometimes share feelings with your closest friends that you would not even share with those you love.
Kuan shared her tears with me, and as I became more comfortable around her, I did the same. And truth to be told, it was the first time in my life that I ever cried to anyone. Funny thing is, I did not really feel ashamed of myself. I actually felt that it was alright.
It was a kind of comfort that I had never had before.
By the time we became a couple, I knew Kuan so well that I felt like I was just opening a new chapter in our book. This was a chance to explore both her and myself even more.
It was not only about being with the girl of my dreams. It was also about growing up and trying new things for myself.
It is amazing how much that girl has changed me, and how her love and friendship has helped me through hard times, both with school and with family.
Heck, I might not even have continued in school if she hadn't been there to cheer me up and stay up with me during the late homework nights.
I have already described many times how much I loved the time we spent together, and I am afraid to sound like a broken record if I repeat it once more, but sometimes I feel a lot like I am taking her and our love for granted.
During some nights, I will sit in front of the computer, looking at stupid websites, playing video games or watching a boring movie. I do all these things while she is right there for me. She often stays up late, until the early morning, and she does it for me.
Basically, she has changed her whole daily life just to come here and be together with me, and I can't help to feel like the worlds biggest bastard when I don't repay her that favor.
I feel so frustrated sometimes. i want so badly to talk to her, but words can not come out of my mouth, because I want to show her my affection and my passion for her. Sometimes it is amazing when you think about how much a hug can do.
It crushes my heart when she feels like I am not caring about her, or when she feels like I do not wish to speak with her.
But no matter which words that would come out of my mouth, they can never truly show how much I loved her.
When I left Hong Kong the last time, I cried openly to her, for the first time.
It made her feel guilty, and I still feel so bad about that. But I am actually happy that I did not hold my tears back, because it was my way of showing how deeply I cared for her, and how painful it was for me to walk away from her and throw her back into the lonely life she had before.
I want to give her the world, but I sometimes just give her the cold shoulder.
Sometimes I feel that I will end up destroying this relationship if I keep taking her love for granted.
It is not just her that I care most about in my heart. It is what she has given me and the man that she has made me become.
She has given me true friendship, true love, and a real life to live. And even if she someday decides to leave me, I will still remain strong.
The tears might never stop, and my heart might never be complete again, but at least I will then know, that no matter how different I am to others, there are people out there who accept me as I am, and I should never give up being myself and be true to those around me.
My girl, my Kuan.
You will always be what I care most about in my heart and mind. Now and forever.
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